I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
