I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
