Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
