she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
