I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
