i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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