just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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