i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Drake has all the answers
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
