You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
