A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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