Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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