I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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