i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize
