Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
