im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
This baby is an asshole
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
