What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
