Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
They took my balls.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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