Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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