why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
