the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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