I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
