it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
