Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
