I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
