All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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