Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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