she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
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