I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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