If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
