I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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