he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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