Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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