Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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