dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
