Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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