you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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