i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
