do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
