i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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