I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
