the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
