You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
