filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
