can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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