Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
he was CRYING into my vagina
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
How does it feel to date your dad?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
