quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
