I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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