he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Also, beer. Big fan.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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