If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
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I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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