I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
