I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
