dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
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