he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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