Who did Billy Mays play for?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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