Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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