I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
