Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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