Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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