My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
