Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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