The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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