Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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