My liver just broke up with me...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
